Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Happy Holidays From Quinn Emanuel



"Here are a few tales from the holiday season at Quinn Emanuel:

We all joined Quinn on an up-note. We were told we would be direct hires making $55/hour plus overtime and operating on California's generous overtime rules. The project was to be run by a heavily made up (think Jersey Shore) cheerleader and a crooked-nosed lurch from Fordham.

All went swimmingly for a week. We got our steady diet of indignity, but as it was served with a healthy dose of money, who were we really to complain. And so it carried on a week until the Wednesday before Thanksgiving when they gathered us all in a great big room to tell us that our pay had been reduced by $19 an hour, cheers, and have a great Thanksgiving. Also, you no longer work for Quinn, you work for a woman at Strategic Legal with a herpee on her lip. Oh, and a baleful "sorry" to those who had canceled their holiday plans, but our work wouldn't be entirely necessary this weekend as they planned to increase our hours later.

And so they did. The week after Thanksgiving was up to sixty hours. The week after that was unlimited, but do not bill too much lest you get tired. The apoplexy and abject managerial failure obtained in the instructions doled out assiduously by the Cheerleader in a flurry of daily emails reminiscent of Donald Rumsfeld's 'snowflakes.' In these emails were a delightful mix of perfect reversals in instruction with the necessary admonishments about how we should have known the entire time what she was thinking (though she didn't give us the production requests because drooling assholes like us wouldn't get such high falutin language); warnings blasted without even a scintilla of irony when people worked fewer than fifty hours the week after Thanksgiving about failing to live up to what we 'had agreed' to do; and perhaps my favorite, an email in which the Cheerleader (I'm sure to appease Lurch) lectured us children on the moral quagmire of billing while shitting. I was so shocked by the last bit that I forwarded it to a few friends with jobs at other firms.

To make the season bright, I get word today that the project looks to end Thursday. Christmas Eve. With no warning given either to those of us on the project since the Great Rate Cut or to those that started yesterday. What the fuck is this job I've got. I'm so grateful I couldn't have made plans for Christmas, seeing as I'll likely not be working after all."

62 comments:

Anonymous said...

These guys are the best. It is among one of the worst horror stories on this site. The sad part is, they can staff projects at will. The woman from Strategic with Herpes on her lip probably didn't receive many holiday kisses.

Anonymous said...

Didn't take long for the "recruiter" sharks to find out about this and drive down the rates by 50%. I'm just surprised that fat Nora Moo Moo didn't find out about this first and offer to stuff them into the Lexploitation chicken pen, cluck, cluck!

Anonymous said...

Whoa - that herpes sore has probably already been tranferred to many a male manager dick [the guys who pick agencies at big law firms] as the lady probably serviced them at some point.

Anonymous said...

What the hell am I doing sitting at home with a $200,000 education when I could buy some boobs, polyester clothes and become a recruiter.

Anonymous said...

Hey, how ya doing. Its Brad from the MTV show Jersey Boys. Ya I know, a lot of yous hate me because I punched Nicole in the choppers, but fuck that bitch. She got what was coming to her.

Anyways, after I got arrested I have been looking on the internet for some gumba to represent me and I came across this site. Its fuckin hilarious! I like the guy who talks about the Indians. Then I became curious myself and I went down to Paterson where they got all them Indians wearing all them dots on their heads and everything and I found me a broad to see if it was true. Wasn't hard to pick up one. I guess with all the smelly dudes there and all. Anyways, the stories are right. OH MY VINISHU - or should I say VINISH-PU. WOW! I punched her in the mouth and ran like hell back to my camaro and drove as fast as I could to Tom's River. Last time I do that.

Sonia said...

Shameful.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry Sonia - is that your Christmas gear??? It looks a little weird.

Friend said...

"Every idiot who goes about with 'Merry Christmas' on his lips, should be boiled with his own pudding, and buried with a stake of holly through his heart!"

-A Christmas Carol

Anonymous said...

Blogger bemoans "slave labor" but is it just the new normal for jobs?
Don Tennant, a former editor of Computerworld, writes that the job market is now so glutted with professionals in information technology and other fields that bosses are demanding that job seekers analyze their operations and write up improvement plans as part of the application process.

Tennant writes:

I know it's happening because I've talked to enough people, not just in IT, but in journalism and other professions, who have either experienced it or know someone who has experienced it in some form. I would love to know how many millions of dollars in consulting fees companies are saving by simply tapping the expertise of job candidates as part of the candidate assessment process. Because they can.

Okay. So is it widespread? Unfair? Unethical? Or just the new normal for jobseekers?



Read more: http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/gettowork/detail?blogid=163&entry_id=53074#ixzz0aY8uS0MN

Anonymous said...

2:24 YOU ARE HILARIOUS!!!

Anonymous said...

WHAT??!?!? I'm on that job! You mean it ends tomorrow????? We haven't been told shit.

Anonymous said...

What's Tom's River - is that where the guidos live?

Anonymous said...

Yeah, lots of guidos in that town

Anonymous said...

Quinn Emanuel is famous for being the firm who's project was at Lexolution's fire trap workspace on 41st St - the one where Dickhead Osman and Snot Krowshitz deadbolted the fire doors and someone called the NYC fire inspector.

Anonymous said...

My friend Nancy, an Ivy League scholar, once dated a temp lawyer from Tom's River. She said she had no idea Neanderthals were alive and well. This guy was dumber than a retarded ox.

selling my jd said...

$55.00 an hour.. plus OT.. sounds like the wizard of oz...

Anonymous said...

whats are guidos?

Anonymous said...

Guidos are low-level cracker italian americans. Have you seen the show on MTV Jersey Shore - like that? Only difference is that the guidos on TV are 100% more refined and cultured than real life guidos 'cause they know they are on TV. The TV guidos look like they went to exclusive finishing school compared to real life ones. Trust me I know - 'cause I went out with one - a temp and later staff attorney and he had an attitude that was inversely proportional to the length of his dong. Thimble dong.

Anonymous said...

The Situation is going to go to The Situation's room and watch The Situation Room on CNN to learn more about today's situation.

xoxo,
The Situation

Anonymous said...

Nice to see Strategic juimping and grabbing their share off of direct hires. Have these evil bastards no shame? They should be drawn and quartered for this. Isn't this tortious interference?

How much you wanna bet the gig starts up next year at a lower rate and higher rate for spoogetegic?

Not to mention strategic has run an Indian Lpo sweatshop for years.

These are evil, sharecropping bastards.

Bah humbug to Sleazetegic!

Anonymous said...

The Situation is a geeky guido - what a dork. He looks like a missahpen reptile. Like a character from the movie The Ice Age.

Anonymous said...

If hatin' is your occupation, I've got a full-time job for you.

-The Situation

Anonymous said...

Sorry Situation. First I would never work with an ugly illiterate fool like you. Second I am already gainfully employed in that profession for many years and am now at a very senior level. I bet I could teach you a thing or two. Now beat it kid - go and try to lay a skunk, sorry skank.

Anonymous said...

Guido is Hofstra.

Anonymous said...

One thing the guy who sent this in doesn't mention: how many people quit when the rate went from $55 to $19.
Answer: 0.
Why: They have no other choices.
So the only mistake Quinn made was in not making the pay $19 from day one.

Anonymous said...

So lemme ax ya dis:

How come it takes you 10 minutes to cook your grits when it takes the rest of the grit-eating world twenty minutes?

-Vinny "6 times the charm" Gambini, Esq.

Anonymous said...

I 'll bet this is Mike Sorrentino's favorite song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=44MI3u9x23s

Anonymous said...

why are there so many guido haters here?

Anonymous said...

My Cousin Vinny!

Best. Lawyer Movie. Ever.

Anonymous said...

"We got our steady diet of indignity, but as it was served with a healthy dose of money, who were we really to complain." Code for keep me fat and happy and I won't complain. Cross me a little and I'll stick a shiv in your for an extra $.50. Classy.

Anonymous said...

STINKY INDIANS EVERYWHERE

Anonymous said...

Nothing suprises me any more - this Quinn story is yet another hatchet in already broken temp backs. Get out kids, while you can - look even My Cousin Vinny went to court!!

Anonymous said...

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Marky Mark said...

Makin' you feel the rhythm is my OC-U-Pation

So feel the vibration.

Anonymous said...

How are guidos different from puerto ricans?

Anonymous said...

Puerto Ricans get hired faster.

Anonymous said...

people here are so racist. first of all, not all indians stink, not all guidos smell and act like armpit and not all nigerians are genetically predisposed to be slaves. Get that in your head people! For crying out loud! Go see Avatar and learn something!

Anonymous said...

Late the hate flow! Merry Christmas!

Anonymous said...

I'm sick of you people guido bashing. May I remind you of the significant contributions that they have made to this country? i.e., Charles Ponzi, Vincent Fumo, Arthur Cutillo, the utter annihilation of the US Auto industry. Need I say more?

Anonymous said...

Contributions? Like former judge Mark Caviarella who jailed kids for cash? I don't like stereotypes but why are they always in the news for corruption?

Jubilee Now said...

THROW OFF YOUR CHAINS SNUGGIE PEOPLE!!!

YOU HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE BUT THE DEBT THAT ENSLAVES YOU!!

Anonymous said...

you pompous ignoramouses. If it weren't for the great Italian great Christopher Columbus, you would still be herding sheep in Scotland or whereevers so don't disrespect those who made you.

Anonymous said...

So what you will about the racist nuts on Tom the Temp...it's certainly an equal opportunity hate fest here.

Every racial/ethnic group gets attacked on this damned blog.

Anonymous said...

That's because all races are actually losing the race, and it's all a Zionist plot to destroy everything and enslave humanity.

Happy Kwanzaa, Dec. 26.

Jersey Girl said...

You people are ignorant. You can't walk the walk unless you can talk the talk.

First of all, it's "Toms River", no apostrophe. It's named after some snobby Brit whose last name was "Toms" and he didn't own the place.

And no way do Jerseyites say "yous". It's pronounced "yiz", as in "What're yiz doin' on Sattidy night?"

Sheesh.

Anonymous said...

Apparently, the PC thing to do nowadays is no longer "Happy Holidays" but to smush all the holiday names together randomly.

Like "Chrismukkah" on the O.C.

Except now, it's ChrismaHanuKwanStice. So yea, Merry that.

Anonymous said...

They also say "sez" a lot. I worked with this guido staff attorney from Toms River and he always used to say "sez". I sez to her blah, blah, blah - that's the kind of people firms want to hire. If you are normal and say "says" and "ask" you will NOT get the job.

Anonymous said...

I don't know who I can tolerate more - the Guidos or the Puerto Ricans. They are both Neanderthals - but if I had to be locked in a coding room with either I would have to pick the Guido - compared to the Ricans they have a little more finesse - I know that sounds weird....

Merry Happy Holidays ChrismaHanuKwanStice!!!! everyone.....

Anonymous said...

"Yous" is a Brooklyn thing. Maybe Staten Island too.

NYC OWNS Jersey!

Anonymous said...

Joy to the World, babies!!

Love,
Helga

Omar Hashish said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rnT5NI5YFJU

Anonymous said...

Hey guys. All jokes aside, Merry Christmas.

Anonymous said...

I am absolutely shocked at this story. This is one of the worst I've heard about in the almost 10+ years I've beem doing contract work to supplement my private practice. What seems very strange to me is SLS suddenly coming in and being the intermediary, rather than ya'll working for Quinn Emmanuel. This sounds like a bait and switch, or it sounds like "friends' of SLS" at QE were hussled by someone at SLS and someone at QE did a quid pro quo and threw SLS some business...help an old buddy out......I wonder if NYS Department of Labor shouldn't be contacted about that one....there is a direct reliance issue here on the rate issue, but you waived any standing on that argument by remaining and taking the $19....I mean things are bad, but it seems beyond the pale people wouldn't do something a bit more reactive and drastic when a gig drops from $55 to $19 midstream...moreover, that sort of change in pay would seem to be grounds to go to NYS UE and raise hell, I don't think you are expected to stay on a job under those facts, and those facts shouldn't preclude you from UE then, it would seem. But, I am not a labor and employment attorney. This is so outrageous, something should be done, like even going to NYT with this one..or WSJ..this stuff is so bad, I think maybe we have no choice but to fight back....something is wierd here at QE...those QE must really have screwed up for QE to have brought in SLS..they usally rely on directs and usually pay $45 to $55...someone didn't trust the QE associates internally or those associates knew SLSA recuiters and threw them a bone. Question is what was the consideration flowing between QE and SLS other than the assignment to staff?

Anonymous said...

You people all suck, if you didn't get accepted to a 1st tier law school the jokes on you, why bother? paralegals make more $ than you losers..sadness..

Anonymous said...

8:34 P.M.,

I would love to smash your face in with a sledgehammer.

Anonymous said...

i am assuming that this job was in NY?

Anonymous said...

9:39AM EAT ME!

Anonymous said...

Clarification: The hourly rate went down from 55/hr to 36/hr. The rate was reduced by 19/hr but it did NOT go down to 19/hr.

Anonymous said...

So, baswically SLS ate the $19 difference that should have gone into your pocket. Clearly, someone at QE had a buddy at SLS that they felt needed a little holiday "spice" e.g. income flow from which to make a commission. Who at Fordham, at QE, is buddies with someone at SLS, the SLS recruiter themselves a former Fordham law school classmate. That said, maybe it just buddies helping buddies anyway they could. Wit a QE history of always going direct, this seems strange...it is one of those "buddy" you know whats. Wonder if the partners at QE ever will get wind and if they will figure out who is passing consideration to SLS from QE,enough to give QE a bad rap now. Truth is $36 an hour is market, maybe QE just did not know that yet, but SLS helped them find out, but at the cost of lining SLS's pcket with the $19 a head...pretty steep price to pay for "market intelligence"....no matter what, it still is "bait and switch"...

Anonymous said...

Interesting.. I would have thought Lexpolution would have be the agency responsible for such wonderful holiday behavior....they aren't big into Christmas cheer.

Anonymous said...

Can we get the text of that e-mail with names redacted?

"an email in which the Cheerleader . . . lectured us children on the moral quagmire of billing while shitting. I was so shocked by the last bit that I forwarded it to a few friends with jobs at other firms."

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