Thursday, September 24, 2009

More Elite Click Monkeys

In Chicago, only top tier, top 1/3rd of the class, former biglaw associates with 2+ years of litigation experience need apply (products liability associates preferred!). Unreal. Game over.

"Counsel On Call is currently interviewing attorneys with at least one year of solid electronic document review experience for a contract assignment in downtown Chicago. Must have worked as a litigation associate in a large law firm 2+ years. Experience with products liability litigation strongly preferred. Full time, requires a three month commitment. Top tier school and top 1/3 of class required. Please e-mail resume to julie.lehrman@counseloncall.com."

69 comments:

Anonymous said...

Chicago is really bad.

Recruiters are telling us to move to New York.

Anonymous said...

Hot jobs! Act now! dont miss out!
Full-time office furniture installer wanted for dealership located in Queens. Must have experience in systems furniture installation. Candidate should be motivated and willing to work long hours when required. Must have valid drivers license. Medical benefits available.


Location: Middle Village
Compensation: Based on experience
Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

Anonymous said...

Dont be shy! Put your back into it! Cleaners needed! Work that JD!
I need someone to dust, polish the wood furniture, vacuum the floors, mop the floors that are not

carpet, clean the stairs, and clean the bathroom. I need someone weekly for a very long time.

Services Needed: Bathroom Cleaning, Kitchen Cleaning, General Room Cleaning, Cabinet Cleaning,

Surface Polishing, Furniture Treatment .


Send resume.




Location: Stamford
Compensation: Base on Experience
Telecommuting is ok.
This is a part-time job.
Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

Anonymous said...

What recession? Only the Humble need apply!
Perfect and humble cleaner will be need for service in Brooklyn Area in New york. If interested, please email a cover letter and resume


Location: brooklyn
Telecommuting is ok.
This is a part-time job.
This is a contract job.
This is at a non-profit organization.
OK for recruiters to contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

Anonymous said...

There are NO jobs in America.

I just read an article that said that many American college grads are moving to China for work.

The document review work exists, it just doesn't exist in America anymore. You have to be willing to move to India.

Anonymous said...

$9/hour! We are LIVING!
Rental yard looking for general labor/order puller.
Requirements: Good level of experience; customer service, communication, writing & mathematical skills. Able to pass Background and Drug Screen.
Schedule Monday-Friday some overtime required. Hourly pay from $9.00 per hour.

Interested applicants contact Ralph: ralphlmeade0997@gmail.com.


Location: Queens/Brooklyn, NY
Compensation: Good pay
Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

Anonymous said...

This is the perfect job for Emily, after they kick her bony ass to the curb. I would love to see her make mortgage payments on her 700 square foot shit box on twenty bucks per hour.

Doc Review Chimp said...

Maybe I should move to Chicago. So cold there and I don't even have money to move. So worried....

Trailer Tom said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Doc Review Chimp, you are a cutie pie. It's brutal out there - and it's not going to get any better. You should look for work in other industries or move out of New York for a while.

Anonymous said...

Oh, wait sorry, you said you don't have money to move. Well, do something, anything, for a while, save the money and move!! You will get creamed here!!

Trailer Tom said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Trailer Tom said...

Hey, now don't you be sayin' bad things about my daughter Emily. She provided me with many nights of tender lovin'. Ya'll should just come down South - I see there are many of you liberal and colored folk haters on this blawg -I know you got the trailer in you boys - you may have gone to uppity law school but you is still a Crackah brother. Come on down - he haw, we be hootin' and hollerin' and armin' - sure reminds me of GrandPappy's KKK days...Hot dog...

Emily said...

The banking boom allowed too much trash shit to creep into the associate ranks. It was disgraceful.

It's time to wash all the scum that happened to climb up the ladder back into the basement.

Anonymous said...

$18 is the unofficial going rate in New York.

Thanks to the lemming temps who accepted the Robert Half/Bloomberg deal it was only a matter of time before this is what happened.

The person who keeps (very unfunnily) posting craigslist labor jobs, don't look down at other work. Is it like temping or being an "attorney" is so great?


The days that being a lawyer in the U.S. is a respected profession or a competitive advantage have been over since the 1987 Millken led crash. It's never recovered.

Trailer Tom said...

Emily, my daughter, come back. No one can suck my dick like you. Come on baby girl...I love you, so do your Gangbanging Uncles. Your retarded bastard son with me also misses you. I know you are angry 'cause those Yankees think you're trailer but I will always love you. Horny for you Honey, Love Pops.

Nick said...

Also in Chicago. Haven't found anything in the past year. Just busy living the dream.

Anonymous said...

I remember the Robert Half/Bloomberg thing. That was a long time ago. I actually didn't even get the job, they tried to sell it as being a great in house counsel career path but I guess it was pretty obvious it wasn't going to be anything good after all.

Retard Rory said...

Ma, Emily, I miss you too. Dad/Grammpa also misses you.

The Yuppie Attorney said...

I really don't know if the Recruiters just don't know or bother to understand the field they are recruiting. Or, the recruiters because of the economy have forced axed Biglaw associates to take these jobs.

I saw both extremes in I.T.. I saw recruiters put people with MS degrees on help desk positions, that were WAY beneath them. The recruiters then forced them to act as if it were a good fit and doing them a favor. I have also seen recruiters ask for six years experience on packages just released a month before. Job candidates get out your time machines.

Recruiters wrecked I.T. and sent most jobs to India. I now see Legal work going down the same road!

Anonymous said...

Pop open a cold one and just chill out...end days are near anyways, lets just party till 2012! Time to loot & pillage, if you can't afford something..take it by force!

Anonymous said...

$18 is not the going rate. The real rate is $32 - $35. Sometimes you get OT. Don"t believe the hype. Exerienced reviewers would never take $18. Perhaps a desperate newbie would.

Most people who took the $23 hour job left already. There is work if are really, really persistent and a little but lucky.

Anonymous said...

People who call the agency 5x a day, and jump immediately after committing to a project don't get work.

Anonymous said...

They can only ask for this stuff if there are people that fit these criteria and are desperate for these positions...which is frankly ridiculous. I here such conflicting reports. Sometimes I hear it's really bad out there, other times I hear most attorneys are employed. I really wonder how it is. I myself am severely underemployed.

Anonymous said...

"$18 is not the going rate. The real rate is $32 - $35."
You know the sad thing is, I know a paralegal who makes $37/hour + OT..kinda makes you wonder why you went to a 3rd tier..oh well life sucks anyways..can you please pass the jelly? im gonna have to start turning tricks to pay my rent..aint that grand!

Anonymous said...

Obviously, the ABA must have decided that the legal profession should become an elite profession once again, and that all the lower-tier law school graduates had been dumming it down for a while now. Why else would they have allowed corps to offshore our jobs the end result of which is consistent with this post: the best and the brightest among us are now filling even the lowest-level jobs. Oh, and by the way, to all the people who are responding to "Emily," I've got some news for you. Emily is probably a married fat guy, age 50, in Hackensack who thinks it's funny to get a rise out of all you dummies who can't seem to keep the focus on the bigger issues effecting us: employability.

Temporarily Yours said...

Document Review Chimp et al. don't just wait for an assignment to fall into your lap. You should use this time to develop real skills and think of getting out. Doc review/Templand is ghetto. It will suck your soul and mind. Working with low-level people with low self-esteem [supervisors/staff attorneys] really affected my brainpower, energy, confidence and motivation. You get so worried about small things like bathroom breaks and keeping their hood-ass happy and off your back that you lose the bigger picture, clarity of thought. These people are low-level bureaucrats who have little motivation themselves and are basically just interested in using this little power [all that they will get in life] to lord it over others. They are not interested in the big picture or in contributing anything to society. It's good money but you will lose much more in the process.

Anonymous said...

HireCounsel is paying $15/hour for "paralegals and coders" in VA, rather than hiring unlicensed attorneys.

"To be considered for this opportunity, you must be a college graduate. We are looking for bright candidates who can learn quickly, have a strong work ethic and good attention to detail. Prior legal experience is a plus but not necessary."

any given nigerian said...

Greetings Collegues,

I am Hebo Bobo Okidobo, barrister at laws, HNR's.
I am currently employed on four projects in NYC doing document review. All this from my home in glorious and most properous Lagos, Nigeria. As we all look alike I simply asks me relations to go to the work. I need help in cashinng the much earned monies in the US and ask you to send bank information so as I can deposit into your account checks you will then wire me for you get to keep a transfer fee as I await mor of this.
Congenially yours,
barrister at laws, HNR's, 3rd Cicuit of the Tiger, Prowl

cORky said...

I think staff attorneys are reeeeetardooos.

Doc Review Chimp said...

Oh God, I know I need to do so much more but I think I am frozen in fear. It's hard to think straight when you don't even have money to eat. I have not even had my banana today. Will anyone adopt me just for a few months? So worried....

Alex Dershowitz said...

Behind every Job Opportunity, you'll find a Nigerian thinking of a way to scam it.

Anonymous said...

We should take up a collection and buy some Purina Monkey Chow for the Doc Review Chimp cutie. Baby, where did you come from and why are you in NY? You belong somewhere that's nice, not nasty.

Emily - your Tom and Rory are the best, girl! Git on home now.

Love,
Helga
(forgot my password again...)

Helga said...

Great! Remembered my password finally.

Trailer Tom - I love your blog. I laughed my ass off reading it! How'd you end up with such an uppity youngin, anyway?

Helga said...

Things to do tonight:
1. Feed the hunting dogs and guard dog
2. Clean the guns
3. Dress in camo
4. Go out and shine deer

Wish me luck!!

Helga said...

Okay, that was quick. I'm ready to go now. Bambi, you better run!!

Helga said...

omg THAT FUCKIN PICKUP TRUCK WON'T START!!!

Anonymous said...

Hey Helga, I see all the books you like have to do with military operations. Are you a vet? Interesting books, though.

Anonymous said...

I am not a vet but I appreciate the sacrifice that men and women make when they join the armed services. I am very interested in the activities of the special forces - they are all heros in my book.

Love,
Helga

Anonymous said...

Actually, though - the Richard Burton book is not about a military operation - it is about adventuring and exploring. I also like spy novels quite a bit. And I like biography - love to read about people that do something interesting with their lives. I'm currently trying to slog through Vanity Fair but am rapidly betting bored with it. Have you read Lone Survivor?

Love,
Helga

Emily said...

Review chimps? Click monkeys?

And you all call me racists, you hypocritical pieces of trash scum.

You are what you are.

Trailer Tom said...

Thank you Helga, ma'am. Actually Emily is the daughter of me and my sister, she's always had problems. The doctor said it may be mutant genes, ya know from cross-breeding. Anyhoo, ma'am you are might fine lookin' woman yourself. I see you are part of the Master/Aryan race from Germany? If you got any interest in Florida head on down, me and my boys are plannin' a couple of lynchin's and militia operations. We sure could use a gal like you. Plus the bed's kinda cold with Emily gone - if you know what I mean. Hootin 'n hollerin, ma'am, hootin 'n hollerin...

Anonymous said...

I am not a German - I am a Scandi kinda girl. I kinda really look Swedish. Don't want to share a bed - my huntin' bitches are good bed wenches.

Love,
Helga (wish I remember my friggin password...)

Trailer Tom said...

Ooops, sorry I meant in-breeding. I am not one of dem educated Yankee lawyers...

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Anonymous said...

Evidence for a class action against the law schools and ABA:

http://www.texasbar.com/Template.cfm?Section=Home&CONTENTID=12077&TEMPLATE=/ContentManagement/ContentDisplay.cfm

http://lawschoolscam.blogspot.com/

Anonymous said...

Thats right, 38% unemployment rate in texas, in 2000, 6 months after graduation. Texas had a pretty good economy in 2000. Now the unemployment rate in Texas, and in every other state, must be truly obscene. It looks like the law schools, and NALP, are committing fraud.

Anonymous said...

Here is the whole link

http://www.texasbar.com/Template.cfm?Section=Home&CONTENTID=12077&TEMPLATE=/ContentManagement/ContentDisplay.cfm

Anonymous said...

Same Texas bar study, different url:

http://docs.google.com/gview?a=v&q=cache:dxDSv2T033EJ:www.texasbar.com/TemplateRedirect.cfm%3Ftemplate%3D/ContentManagement/ContentDisplay.cfm%26ContentID%3D12077+%22law+schools%22%22employment+status%22&hl=en&gl=us

Anonymous said...

http://lawschoolscam.blogspot.com/

Anonymous said...

"People who call the agency 5x a day, and jump immediately after committing to a project don't get work."


Hi, Update!

This is such an obvious agency comment.

Also it is completely true what the original poster says.
Only people who call all day get work. In fact the agencies tell you to keep calling them!

As for jumping ship this is the old agency threat that reputation matters and catches up with you.
That's B.S.
People never remember if you do a good job.
But they remember if you went home with them at night and pulled out your bag of tricks in their bed and BJ.

Anonymous said...

" Exerienced reviewers would never take $18. "


Sure!

The great experienced reviewers do and did take the $18 rate, from Robert Half, Bloomberg, and Tower.

Since when did being experienced matter. Everything shows it's a minus, fool!
Look at all the listings asking for younglings.

Anonymous said...

I thought the poor and out of work people were supposed to be so much better off under B. Hussein Obama?

Also weren't the wars supposed to end?

The democrats complained all the time about the war until it became Mr. Hussein's.

Obama said calling him by his middle name was racist until he went to speak in Egypt where he bragged about it.

Michelle Obama has 26 servants. Such a simple woman!

If you don't like Obama it's because you are a racist.
Obama is the expert on playing the race card. After all every single thing about his life is the old race story.

Does anyone find his arrogant up-speak speaking voice to be very grating?

the UN speech was really good. All about Obama the great.

Obama, the Hitler of our time, only stupider.

Anonymous said...

Tom the Temp Quiz Show:

What feature is Heather B. of Pfizer famous on this website for:
1-her braces
2-her avian proboscus
3-her hairy armpits

What is the important qualification for working at "Cravvie":
1-big community chest jugs
2-Yale degree
3-being Nigerian

What did Elaine B. Dine change its name to:
1-Frankendine
2-Benefits Kickback Incorporated
3-The Dine Group

Who recently re-located to Los Angeles:
1-Michella Vega
2-Sarah Kim
3-Nora Moo-Moo Plesent

Who is famous for calling and emailing but never having a real job:
1-Shawn treadwell
2-Sarah Kim
3-Helene Diamond
4-all of the above

What is the going rate for doc review in New York now per hour:
1- $125
2- $35
3- $18

Which foreign country is the biggest source of IMPORTED doc review workers:
1- France
2- Isle of Man
3- Nigeria

Which foreign country did the ABA approve for exporting legal work to:
1-India
2- Nigeria
3- all of the above

What is the slogan of Axiom legal temp agency:
1- smirk face owner Mark Harris and Don Carlson
2- "we are not a temp agency... tee hee"
3- none of the above because changes daily so imperceptible

Which person did all doc review workers in New York vote for or be called a racist:
1- B. Hussein Obama
2- John McCain
3- Sarah Pailin

When you are doing doc review, how should every document be marked:
1- privileged
2- responsive
3- don't read any of them and mark non responsive


What is the most important thing to getting and keeping a temp job:
1- questioning work conditions
2- complaining about the taxi service
3- kissing ass to the agency bimbettes

What is the most important qualification to being a temp:
1- race
2- being as inexperienced as possible
3- reviewing few documents
4- all of the above

When asked about their choice to go to law school today, most doc review workers will answer:
1- it was the right decision because they are a doctorate of law and it is very prestige
2- it is good thing to have I don't regret a thing
3- where is the nearest bridge to jump to my death

Anonymous said...

As a regular follower of this site, I shall be the first to answer.

Tom the Temp Quiz Show:

What feature is Heather B. of Pfizer famous on this website for:
2-her avian proboscus


What is the important qualification for working at "Cravvie":
1-big community chest jugs

What did Elaine B. Dine change its name to:
2-Benefits Kickback Incorporated

Who recently re-located to Los Angeles:
3-Nora Moo-Moo Plesent

Who is famous for calling and emailing but never having a real job:
4-all of the above

What is the going rate for doc review in New York now per hour:
3- $18

Which foreign country is the biggest source of IMPORTED doc review workers:
3- Nigeria

Which foreign country did the ABA approve for exporting legal work to:
1-India

What is the slogan of Axiom legal temp agency:
2- "we are not a temp agency... tee hee"

Which person did all doc review workers in New York vote for or be called a racist:
1- B. Hussein Obama

When you are doing doc review, how should every document be marked:
3- don't read any of them and mark non responsive

What is the most important thing to getting and keeping a temp job:
3- kissing ass to the agency bimbettes

What is the most important qualification to being a temp:
4- all of the above

When asked about their choice to go to law school today, most doc review workers will answer:
3- where is the nearest bridge to jump to my death

VERY GOOD QUIZ. I LOVED IT!! I am sure I got 100% right.

Anonymous said...

Do I have a dental plan?
Does Lisa need braces?

Anonymous said...

This blog went to shit right when the lemmings started creating these avatars. Instead of drawing attention to the problems doc reviewers face, visitors to this site are treated to amateur, racist attacks in the comments. Great job kids, way to ruin the one soapbox you had to stand on.

Anonymous said...

Nice quiz!

Here are some questions that I would ad to the mix.


If the gods are so cruel to you that they subject you to a stint as a doc reviewer at Sullivan & Cromwell, who will you have the pleasure of running across:
1-Valvina Scissorhands
2-Big Mamma
3-Clovester
4-all of the above

The document review center on 11 East 42nd Street is otherwise known as:
1-the torture chamber
2-the Lexpollution chicken coop
3-the hole into hell
4-the factory

Who at S&C allegedly commits adultery on a repeated basis:
1-the support staff
2-the litigation analysts
3-the contract attorneys
4-associates
5-partners
6-all of the above

What does "deflate the rate" mean:
1-a way to improve efficiency in the labor market by matching wage rates with labor conditions to ensure that clients get the most cost effective legal services
2-a way for the agency middlemen to make greater profits during an economic downturn by taking advantage of a bloated labor market and charging clients the same skyhigh rates
3-none of the above
4-all of the above

CA's from the following firms either committed suicide, were murdered, or passed away from massive coronaries in the past year and a half:
1-Paul Weiss
2-Cravath
3-Kirkland & Ellis
4-all of the above

"Emily" is:
1-a racist associate
2-a bitter, close minded, jaded attorney
3-an unemployed 40-something year old IT worker, sitting in his underwear and posting from his basement in Hackensack, NJ.
4-none of the above

Anonymous said...

Again, as an avid reader of this site allow me to be the first to answer.

If the gods are so cruel to you that they subject you to a stint as a doc reviewer at Sullivan & Cromwell, who will you have the pleasure of running across:

4-all of the above

The document review center on 11 East 42nd Street is otherwise known as:
2-the Lexpollution chicken coop

Who at S&C allegedly commits adultery on a repeated basis:

6-all of the above

What does "deflate the rate" mean:

2-a way for the agency middlemen to make greater profits during an economic downturn by taking advantage of a bloated labor market and charging clients the same skyhigh rates

CA's from the following firms either committed suicide, were murdered, or passed away from massive coronaries in the past year and a half:

4-all of the above

"Emily" is:

3-an unemployed 40-something year old IT worker, sitting in his underwear and posting from his basement in Hackensack, NJ.

Anonymous said...

By the way, I think Trailer Tim is a PARODY of hicks and probably someone did it to get back at the people directing comments towards Nigerians etc.

Anonymous said...

More bad news from India. Quislex is expanding thei unauthorized practice of law.

http://www.prweb.com/releases/QuisLex/Legal_Services/prweb2939774.htm


They now have 200 more seats to take jobs away from American JDS. That'4 200 less for you!

What an absolute disgrace. Thanks Obama! This is change I can *really believe* in.

Thanks ABA for selling us down the river.

Anonymous said...

WSJ: In addition to layoffs, law firms have dramatically cut their hiring of law school graduates. Do you think many college graduates today should think twice before they head off to law school?

Mr. Kalis: Yes. The business model of the U.S. law school doesn't quite make sense to me. Law schools will bring you in from college and educate you, but they will encumber you with six-figure indebtedness at a tender age.

The assumption was that there was no problem, because law firms like K&L Gates would pay that off for you. And that is where the wheels are falling off.

I've heard that law school applications are actually increasing. We will be pouring tens of thousands of young people into a market that I suspect is not going to be able to absorb them at the remuneration levels that would have justified them taking on that debt.

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Anonymous said...

I agree somewhat with 5:47. There are many contract attorney whose only goal is to get on the priv team or be selected as team lead. They forget that document review is not the practice of law. There are many who want to escape Templand ASAP. However, bills prevent them.

Now, agencies want to destroy any initiave temps have by prohiting them from having clients. Of course the agencies want total control over the attorneys. Having such a rule keeps the compliant ones in chains.

Anonymous said...

Waah!!!
Suck it--I'm on a project at $40/hr. I have a teaching job making $87/hr. I have paid off Law School loans and have a fast track to pay off my grad school loans in 8 years.
No one owes you a job. Quit crying. Nut up or shut up.
anonymouscontractlawyer.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

They're doing %#@! document review. A kindergartner can do document review. It is not rocket science.

Anonymous said...

Just a comment on paralegal hourly wages that exceed contract attorney hourly wages: those wages are in all likelihood for experienced paralegals to do work that is more substantive than basic document review/coding. The harsh truth is that a paralegal with 3-5 years of experience in a small to mid sized firm is likely to have more practical legal skills than an attorney with less than a year of actual law practice experience and a paralegal with more than 5 years of experience with a specialty practice area such as Blue Sky law or patent law has a lot more experience and worth to a legal employer than an attorney whose only experience is in basic document review/production/coding.

It's one thing if your contract attorney position actually requires you to practice substantive law, but for the kind of pseudo-law practice that is required for most of these low paying contract attorney jobs, the job is paying a fair wage, even if it does not translate into a livable one for many attorneys struggling with law school debt.

J said...

Joblesslawyer.com, just released a cartoon I think your readers might relate to. Its title "Document Review Monkeys." It was based off of a situation described in a Tome the Temp Post. But anyone who has done temp work before will get a good chuckle:
http://joblesslawyer.com/cartoons/101209-humor-print-1-document-review-monkeys/